We need to have a heart to heart conversation. You see, you came into my life as an unwanted visitor a year ago.  When you first showed up, thought you would only be around for a few days and then move on.

But your presence lingered and you started bringing some other friends along with you.  Quite honestly, I have despised them as much as I have hated you.  Hate is a strong word.  I do not use it very often.  I feel it takes up far too much energy, so I prayed to figure out what I was supposed to learn while you took up residence in my head.

Undergoing treatment 24 April 2012

When you played hideous games with the doctors and caused then to misdiagnose me time after time, your friend, DOUBT made me wonder if I would ever get better.  I seemed to find strength in knowing the plethora of treatments and prescription medications were not the answer to getting rid of you, either.

But at every single turn, I prayed for answers.  Often not finding any immediately, but God always came through.  After the lumbar puncture that landed me in the hospital for 4 days, you really thought you had the best of me.  Yet, somehow, I was able to find strength in the love of my family and friends.

You tried to take away my independence when the pain was so unbearable and I was unable to spend ANY time alone.  That caused me to give up my own place to live and move in with friends in Seattle. Your companion, FEAR, really threw me for a loop when I cried in despair to doctors asking “am I going to die and you are just not telling me”?

Throb, you really had this ability to challenge me at every corner with frustration because I had to find the PROPER medical professionals with the PROPER treatments to even get you to budge AT ALL.

I am so proud that I have stood firmly against your persistence that I could only survive on prescription drugs.  I stared your pain in my own face, and said “no”.  I actually laugh that you made it impossible for me to be able to afford the co-pay on the prescription medications through you causing me to go on long term disability pay.

Your true companion, SADNESS, certainly challenges my faith daily.  Because I don’t know when you or your afflictions will actually go away.  Therefore, I do not know what that means for my future.

But I see you as a strengthening exercise.  Part of my life journey.  I will not succumb to your lies that PAIN will last forever.  For the record, you will never be my friend.  I cannot wait for the day when your true definition (the Migraine from hell) is gone and I can be free to live my life without you.  I cannot wait to go back to living my passion and the job I love.

Yeah, right. lol

But through the past 363 days, I have come to appreciate certain things about having you in my life.  I want to thank you for coming along.  Because had I not experienced you and your companions, or your constant badgering and relentless pain day in and day out, I may not have ever fully have ever been able to comprehend the full magnitude of people who care so deeply about my well being.

I definitely would not have learned the lesson of asking for help, because I am so used to helping and giving to others.  I needed to learn to allow others to feel the pleasure of being a blessing through me.

And although you are a symbol of all the things I despise most in life, you have caused me to look in the mirror and see who I am, behind the pain in my eyes.  (I really will be glad when that feeling of an ice pick is removed, just so you know).

Knowing you has made my faith stronger, because I have had to rely on God to get me through every SINGLE DAY to cope with the pain.  I have had to pray for finances to somehow meet the demands of daily life.  I have cried to the Lord in moments of complete broken-ness and sadness because I have felt so desperately alone in hospital rooms, doctors offices, my own bedroom, a friends couch, or undergoing test after test after test.

Tigger loves making me laugh during treatment ...

And through it all, GUESS WHAT?  You may have made me feel like you had the physical weight of an elephant on my head ~ but I am claiming victory over all your other companions.

THEY have NO POWER over me.  You see, there is finally LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.  I finally have the RIGHT team of medical professionals; each doing their part to make me happier, healthier, and whole in the process.

One day I will be able to look back and say I gave you too much power over my life because of fears, doubts, anger, frustration, and sadness.  I caved in to each of them from time to time.  But I do not regret those emotions because they prove I am human and how much I need Gods strength.

My hope is that through tenacity, strength, and the courage I have gained from those who have suffered far greater than I ~ that I have been some form of comfort to others as well.

As it turns into a year that I have lived with you in my life, I am committing to finding even more ways than the Botox Injections, the physical therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic, osteopathic and naturopathic treatments to knock out every single characteristic you bring with you.  I am going to fight you with all the resources I have left ~ because God is bigger than you, and certainly capable of teaching me the right lessons so I can live without you and be happy.

I am done being nice to the sources of life that want to bring me down.  In that, I am asking and telling you that you can leave now.  No hard feelings.  But I am ready to show the world how great it is to honor wellness every day for the rest of my life.  If you choose to linger, I will just fight harder.  I will not allow any aspect of you to ruin the beautiful plans I have for the future … because NONE of them include you.

It is time for some serious changes in my life … and I am fully committed to once again cleaning out the closet of toxic people, behaviors, and only focusing on making a positive difference to others.  It is by God’s grace I am a forgiving soul … and I know my lessons to be learned from you are almost all met.

Sincerely,

The person who knows how to bounce back and NEVER give up.

Robin

The Sky Angel is getting stronger ...

PO Box 449

Mercer Island, WA 98040

Looking back to that date in May, a year ago, when I went to Urgent Care in the middle of my work trip; there is no way I could have known my life was about to make a drastic change.  Sometimes we have the ability to predict what our future will hold, others, we are completely blind sided.  I’ve been asking myself lately “what is worth fighting for”? Am I?  The question applies to every aspect of my life.  Because during the past 300 days, I certainly have questioned my faith.  Whether it was “true” or not.  (the fact that I am alive is a miracle, so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always prevails and I am good on THAT topic!).

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (Military Charter to Gitmo) 2006

But working for a large corporation means that one often feels like a number.  It is easy to believe that no one really misses me at work, there are plenty of other flight attendants who are still making the skies safe and friendlier.  So as much as I beg the doctors to tell me “what I can do to make myself better, so I can go back to the job I love”, I don’t hear the phone ringing with anyone from my company asking me “what can I do to help you to get back to work?  How can I make it easier for you?  We miss you.”.   Please know I do not write this as a slight on my company.  There are thousands upon thousands of employees, I am just trying to tell you how I am feeling.  What my experience is … (and I wouldn’t know how to respond, if someone did call me.  lol)  What I am trying to convey here is that I am fighting for what is important … to get well, so I can go back to the career I chose … but my desire is my desire, and it is my driving force.  There is no one on the other side fighting as hard as I am to get me back in the ring, so to speak.  Does that make sense?

It is a funny thing, turning 50 ~ I just seem to be looking at life in a different way.  That question is nagging at me.  “Am I worth fighting for”?  Am I the person you come to when you want honesty (I know, I can be brutally honest and it hurts at times ~ but in the end, TRUTH is what sets us free from bondage!), compassion, friendship? I am the most loyal friend a person can have, and yet I have had people treat me like crap.  Like they just don’t care, because their needs and desires are far more important that treating me with respect or dignity.  That made me feel again, like I am “disposable”.  I have to ask, am I in your life merely so you have someone you blame for all of your mistakes? Do I cause you pain?   This is so painfully difficult for me to write, but unless I am someone who brings Light, Love, and has the ability to teach you how to be a happier, healthier you … I don’t have the energy to fight for your friendships any longer.  I want to be an example, someone who brings others joy … and when I see that is not happening, it is time for me to cut my losses (AGAIN!).  Call it “spring cleaning”.  We all have to have balance in our lives, and I am on a path of finding out what is healthy for ME.  Are you?

In many ways I feel like I am that butterfly who has crawled into a cocoon.  My gestation period may be longer than others, but when I emerge, I think I am going to be stronger than I ever was before.  It is really exciting to be cleaning out the closets of my mind, getting rid of the “things” and people” that are bogging me down.  When I asked silently “am I worth fighting for” this morning, the thought that came to my mind was “I Chose You”, and I know only that could have come from God, Himself.

Butterfly in Nepal, 2007

I’m not disposable, or “broken” because I am unable to do the job or the things I want to do … I am just in transformation as I work with medical professionals and homeopaths to one day be rid of “Throb” … and that is the perfect place to be.  The most important element to this is … all things are  temporary, and there is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. 

Make it a great week … I will be balancing my time between finding another place to live, calls to the insurance company, medical appointments, and doing what I need to do for my mental, physical, and spiritual well being.  It took me years to figure out, but I realize the greatest gift I can give anyone, is to focus on myself FIRST.  Now, I need to do a little “spring cleaning”. 

Happy GREEN week and may the luck ‘o the Irish be with ye …

Always,

Robin

(The Sky Angel)

dated 12 March 2012

Taken on my humanitarian mission in South Africa, 2008

… With a mouse, of course. 

Or in my case, it will be with what I have commonly referred to as “Rat Poisoning” in the past.   Until recently.  You see, I woke up on 10 May 2011, with what I thought was a Migraine Headache.  To date, that same intense pain has prevaded every aspect of my life.  It has been a LONG 254 days of praying, begging for relief, tears, frustration, joy in the simple things, arguments with doctors and insurance (over what treatment to try next), and FAITH.

Yesterday I told someone extremely close to me that I felt I have been in a spiritual warfare.  Satan has been attacking me on EVERY front.  Regardless of whether you believe in God or not, or whether you care to identify with your Creator or not, I ABSOLUTELY MUST.  You see, without my FAITH, I would not have gotten through the past 8 1/2 months of debilitating pain.  It is because I have believed that God has a plan, that I have been able to endure the pain.  Every single day that I have had to go to the hospital for treatments, or a new doctors office and fill out what seems hours of paperwork; I have thought about the Wounded Warriors that I have visited at Bethesda, Walter Reed, Brooke Army Medical Center, or those wonderful heroes I met at Knott’s Berry Farm in November of 2010.

Knott's Berry Farm with Wounded Warriors, November 2009

By reflecting on the memories of experiences others have had, and their sheer tenacity to endure … has gotten me through.  It would be a lie if I told you I have been strong through this entire process.  Lord only knows I have sobbed with pain and frustration.  Yes, I have said the words “why me”.  I stopped saying that in November when a dear friend of mine landed in the hospital … not to come out alive. (I sure do miss you, Ed Bahmer!)  You see, things can always be worse.  It freaks people out when I say “I look forward to dying”.  It is not that I want to die, please don’t get me wrong …. I just look forward to being reunited with my loved ones who were taken from this earth way too soon.  A place where there is no pain.

After my third trip to the emergency room last spring and summer, I stopped counting how many doctors, hospitals, and treatments I had endured.  There is a notebook that is at the foot of my bed right now, that chronicles every appointment and medication I have been put on.  At one point, I remember being on 13 medications at one time. In 5 months time, I had been on 35 different medications.  Every prescription putting me more and more in the hole financially.  There came a time when I had to regroup and remind myself of the very wise words of my primary care physician in Atlanta “You are your own best health advocate … no one knows your body better than YOU”.  When I chose to move back to Seattle in September (after months of not living at my place in Kentucky), I sought medical professionals who would not simply prescribe drugs to treat the symptoms.

In doing so, I also lost alot of faith in modern (western) medicine.  It became increasingly obvious to me that many doctors seem to get kick backs from the amount of prescriptions they write.  Please don’t get me wrong here … I did not lose faith in ALL physicians … just the ones who chose not to listen to me when I shared prior experiences and treatments.  What did and did not work.  And at the end of the day, I found that I had to babysit people to ensure they would do their jobs.  Dealing with insurance companies is a full time job … and when you have a migraine headache EVERY SINGLE DAY, that battle is not an easy one.

Have you ever heard the saying “mind over matter”?  Or “no pain, no gain”?  These are things I say to myself constantly.  It helps me to realize things HAVE TO GET BETTER.  A very long time ago, I discerned that I was not “normal” by human standards.  Honestly, I believe I was put on this earth to be different.  The Love I have in my heart for others is bigger than my emotions can control.  My blood seems to be infused with humanitarian desires.  Nothing brings me more joy than making a positive difference to someone else.  The words LOYAL and HONEST define me.  Often this leaves me feeling separate from other humans, because we truly live in a world where people are selfish.  And people can be outright mean and hateful.

But you know what has kept me sane through being forced to give up my own place, stay away from a career I felt was divinely chosen for me, going on food stamps, and learning to make ends meet when the disability check is not enough to cover regular expenses of life and additional prescription and medical challenges?  THE KINDNESS OF OTHERS.  It has been a time of me learning to RECEIVE rather than always being the one to give.  God is using this time to make me a better person (I thought I was pretty cool already.  haha) … and I will be honest, it hurts like hell.  It is by the grace of my amazing friends and family that I am able to endure.  (Thank you for accepting me exactly as I am … no matter where that may be, or how I may feel!)  I thank God for them daily, as do I do the valiant heroes who fight for my rights to think, feel, and be ME.

Swedish Hospital Pain & Headache Clinic, January 2012

Earlier today someone asked me “what do you do from day to day”?  Meaning “how do you spend your time”?  I responded “well, every day seems to revolve around whether I have a doctors appointment or not.”  Far cry from jet setting all over the globe and volunteering my time.  It is frustrating to me, because I feel like I should be doing something “more”.  In my mind, I should be making more money, sending more care packages to our troops, doing more for humanity.  Making a Difference (also known as going MAD) hehe.

And last weekend, when I celebrated my 50th birthday (really, I do feel MUCH younger!)  with dear family and friends in Southern California … an absolute transformation occurred in my mind.  Through the love in that house, I learned that no matter where I am, and no matter what I am doing, I am making a difference.  It’s just harder for me to do when I feel like I have no money and I am in constant pain.  Let’s say I have to work at it, when in the past, it has come naturally.  My heart just aches because others see pain in my eyes, and that hurts me.  But today I had this sense that I needed to sit down and write (sorry it has been so long since my last blog, by the way).  It is cathartic to me.  Maybe my words will help just one person to realize that they are not alone in their pain.

There are many, many times I have felt that way.  Like NO ONE understands.  No one else has had my life experiences, or overcome what I have, in order to get to where I am.  But they don’t have to … they just need to have compassion.  People need to have an ounce more understanding.  When someone is talking to you, PLEASE LISTEN to their words.  Do not be confused by someones inability to articulate how they feel.  Just having a friend reach out a hand and say “I’m here”, could make all the difference in the world.  (Thank you so very much to my friends, who always know how to make me smile … and just happen to be there, right when I need you the most!!!)

Just now I received a text message from a friend who asked me about the “elephant” (also known as THROB).  And for the first time in months, I can say that I actually have hope again for a treatment.  It may not help immediately (it could take months), but I was approved by insurance to receive Botox injections for the pain tomorrow morning.  31 injections sights in my head, neck, and shoulders.  Most people scare an elephant with a mouse.  Mine is so big … I have agreed to rat poisoning to get rid of mine.   lol

Here is the link http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/01/05/studies-botox-reduce-migraine-headaches/ for the treatment.  There are no guarantees … but the good news is, I have Tigger to keep me company (he had a blast with the IV today!), and the faith of a mustard seed that there are brighter days ahead.

Tigger and I were thinking of our troops today at the hospital ...

Do me a favor?  Appreciate the life you have …. because each day is a gift and we are blessed to be called to LIVE IT.

Always,

Robin

AKA “The Sky Angel”

Robin (aka “The Sky Angel).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ohh I`m sorry Robin! you must have confused me with some other friend of yours!!! but I don`t blame you my friend, becouse I`ve  never had the chance to introduce myself to you properly!

I want to tell you my story instead of just telling you what my name is, and I`ll try to be as brief as possible… My name is Fisher… or thats the name I decided to be called, when I was asked to choose an American name by staff seargant Monley when I got a job with the U.S Army. My real name however is Emier… but since you`re an american you can call me Fisher, lol. Its funny becouse if I wouldn`t have met that soldier in 2003 there wouldn’t be a story to be told, and you would never know about me.They say every thing happens for a reason, and maybe the reason why I met that soldier is to have a story and then tell it to you, or maybe the reason why I`m writting my story to you right now is that may be one day you will tell it to others! I was 23 years old when I quit college and decided to make my counry a better place after it was ruined by insurgents, when I decided to join the American forces to help fight those who wished to distroy what has left of my home, and make harm to my people. now I know you might be thinkin… I could have just joined the Iraqi Army to do that! but then again… if I would`ve, you wouldn`t be reading this story you are reading right now!

I grew up in a house where I was tought that there is no difference whatsoever between humanbeings, no matter what their sex or religoun might be. After operation Iraq Freedom in 2003 had occured, I was 17 years old when I met the first American soldier in a friendly football game between local Iraqies and young American soldiers. It was funny how me and that soldier could communicate with each other but non of us could speak each other`s  language! that poorly interactive conversation between us gave me the urge to learn to speak english. now as hard as I tried… I can`t remember his name, Its also funny how ppl we remember the least make the greatest impression on us!. So after that football game, I found myself reading Grammar books, and other books of self teaching english. I told my self the next american soldier I meet again will tell me his stories and I`ll be able to understand!

I kept studying and studying untill without knowing I realised I was the best student in english subject in my school, though that wasn`t my intention, and becouse of that I got accepted in English department in my college later on.  In 2007 insurgency was at its peak, and the insurgents killed every one who they suspected to work, or just spoke with the Americans. They were destroying my town, the place where I grew up in, my home… , and they were killing alot of ppl every day including old ppl, women and childern, and also Americans. I felt like I have to do something while I can, I felt that I wasn`t born to sit here and do nothing and watch Iraq tear itself apart, there was a war against terror going on and I wanted to be part of that war.

I knew english, and it was about choosing sides and I have already chosen mine… I wanted to be with the good guys and the good guys happened to be Americans, they happend to be the strongest also. So I thought of quitting college and join the U.S troops, I wanted to help make Iraq a good place again, I wanted to make an ending to this nightmare!. So I did, leave my college, friends and family and went to work with the U.S Army, I was attached to the infantary, I spent two years working with them, two years with two different units, one year with each unit.  when the first one left, I was recomended by them to work with the new one that had just arrived. At the beginning, my first days were full of awkwardness, I thought…  me being the only Iraqi kid with a bunch of American soulders in one tent, and being from a  different back ground concerning the cultural differnces, might have been a bad decision! but the way they let me blend in and kept on hooking me up made me believe that I was no longer a strainger, but a part of one team!

It was our lives on the line, but we didn`t care and we always made fun of it all the time. we use to say… we could die together in one mortar round if the insurgents get lucky, and that round landed on our tent! or WE can get lucky and that round could land somewhere else so we can live another day and eat another MRE!!! After two years of being away from my friends and family, I made alot of american friends, and Iraq kept on gettin better and better, and the insurgency faded away eventually as Iraq stood up on its feet. I was recomended by my team leader Cpt. Briten to  move and live in the states if Iraq stays a hostile environment for people like me. I`ve been working on my paper work to do that, but now that Iraq is fine( thanx for U.S troops ) I can choose whether to stay here with my friends and family, or to finish college and travel to join my brothers in arms again, but this time it`ll be on the land of freedom, and not on a battlefield.

I quit right after my second team went back home, I got back to college now, I  learned alot from my american friends and so did they from me, we shared some good and bad times that I will never forget as long as I live. I hope I didn`t bother you with this story of mine, but the only reason why I wrote it to you so that you can know about those who where influenced, and had thier lives transformed by american soldiers, like myself. and tell a story of a TERP who you never met, and might never will.

I can't wait to feel this good again!

~

This is a question I have been asking myself for a very long time.  The definition in the Dictionary is “having the quality, or condition of being harmful, destructive, or deadly”.  Interesting.

~

You see, I have been on a “detoxification diet” for the past 22 days.  The doctor has me eating only fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.  The reason was quite simple, he wanted to grant my wish and get me off of all the medications I was on for throughout the past six months.  Quite possibly the most horrific days I have had to face so far, was when I couldn’t get out of bed and all I could do was throw up from the pain.  This is what happens when we rid our lives of toxins.

~

I don’t take the irony of this comment lightly.  In the past year I have had to let go of some extremely toxic people in my life.  My definition of people who are toxic to me … is that they keep me from the Light.  They take up my time with chaos and drama.  They drink or do other extra carricular activities that prohibit them from being accountable for their words or actions.  They blame me or someone else (actually anyone else) for any and everything that is wrong in their life.  Basically they sucked the energy right out of me, and took away my joy.  Kind of like being on a pain medicine that only puts me to sleep, but never takes away the pain.  When I wake up, the symptoms are still there.

~

Right now, I am fighting with everything I have got to keep my sanity. I cannot believe it has been over six months that I have had THE SAME HEADACHE.  I pray constantly for the day I will be without pain.  The day I can go back to the job I love so very much.  The time when my days do not revolve around whether I have a doctors appointment or not.  The moment when I won’t be winded from walking up a flight of stairs.  And the night I will be able to sleep without tossing and turning in hopes I will get comfortable enough to actually get some rest.

~

The past three weeks, as I said, have been extremely difficult for me.  But what has kept me going is the strength of my family and friends.  You have been here to listen, give advice, and remind me that although I am not flying right now, my life still has tremendous purpose.  My mind was so focused on “Mail Call” and getting the stuff out to the troops, I had perspective.   And I thank God for the friend who told me to remember the Wounded Warriors or my orphans in South Africa when I needed a reality check.  They keep me grounded in my thoughts every day.  Many things upset me these past two weeks.  Most importantly was the transition from short to long term disability.  I have had to jump through hoops at Social Security to get disability paperwork submitted.  (I had to do this in order to get long term disability approved).   I’ve faced some personal challenges that upset me tremendously.  Sometimes being as loving and kind as I am, means people hurt me deeply.  I think they don’t realize to what degree.

~

Wednesday I made my way to S. Cal to be with Julie’s kids and my dear friends for Thanksgiving.  I  was a bit nervous going to the airport (can you believe I am saying this????).  I felt like a duck out of water.  The last doctor I went to told me he didn’t know what was wrong with me and he couldn’t help me.  What I hear when someone says that to me is “you are a lost cause”.  And to me, those words are toxic.  My self talk needs to be a little gentler (or a lot!) and kinder.  I need to stop beating myself up because I cannot work, and accept it.  And I am so thankful for friends and family  who build me up.  I never want to know what life would be like without any of them!

~

And I need to take this precious time to REST and enjoy exactly where I am … because I was reminded today, that I am exactly where God wants me to be.  He will heal me, but it needs to be for His glory.  He is using me to show someone a miracle … I can feel it.

~

In the meantime, I believe I need to work on getting more toxicity out of my life (mentally and physically).  What do you think????  But for the record, I still feel blessed beyond measure … because I have friends to lean on, NO MATTER WHAT!!

~

My hope is you are able to remove yourself from any chaos or negativity, and find peace with those you allow yourself to spend time with regularly.  My prayers are for you to know you are valued, appreciated, and worthy … of peace of heart, mind, and soul.  Topped with Good Health.  With that, we each will continue to have much to be thankful for, won’t we?  … by the way, I really will pay someone to get rid of “Throb” and this constant ringing in my ears … let me know your cost.  lol

~

Happy thoughts and positive energy to you and yours this holiday season!

Always,

Robin

“The Sky Angel”

PO Box 449

Mercer Island, WA 98040

I found this on the way to picking up a free Christmas tree off of freecycle.org for our troops overseas!!!

Aside from feeling like a complete dork, because I am having to learn how to drive a stick shift car on the hills after living in FLAT places the past 19 years, I find I am saying to myself “I am not lost, but I am definitely not where I want to be”.  There have been so many times I have texted friends asking for directions from one place to another, and I am so thankful they never seem to get impatient with me.  The other day I was on my way to my first accupuncture appointment, and I think it was the first time I realized there is no longer a KingDome here.  Instead there are two stadiums side by side.  Isn’t that over kill??? 

Aside from the obvious reasons of being closer to my family and friends, I have so many other reasons I am thankful to be back in the Pacific Northwest … one of which includes the medical profession.  My frustration level has been through the roof with my health the past six months.  It seems crazy to me that I have been out of work for this long, and that I have had NO RELIEF from the pain in and on my head.  There has not been a day or night that has gone by in 180 days, where I have not felt like the weight of an elephant is lodged there.  Along with that, came a plethora of doctors, and diagnosis.  However, to date, I still don’t feel I have a proper diagnosis … and I simply got fed up with the medications being prescribed.

SO, I found a chiropractor who is trying to help me figure out exactly what is wrong.  He referred me to an internal medicine doctor, in hopes that doctor could become my new Primary Care Physician (for me, the jury is still out on that).  However, this doctor listened to me … and put me on a detoxification diet this past week … AND took me off ALL of my meds.  YIPPEE!!!   …. honestly, I have been in so much pain and yet I never felt as though the pills were making a tremendous difference.  I am happy to say that my fears of becoming addicted to hydrocodone or anything else were all for not.  Going off the medications has been easy, coping with the pain has not.  It is rare to find a doctor who doesn’t want to pump me full of drugs … and I truly am seeking one who will help me get to the root cause, not treat the symptoms.

at one point, I was on 13 medications a day ... that is just WRONG!!!!

The best part about detoxifying is that I feel like I have control over my own body again.  NOTHING is more important to me than me keeping my peace of mind that I am not going to have to live with this pain the rest of my life.  NOTHING is more important to me than getting well and getting my life back.  You see, I feel there is so much to be done in the world.  There are orphaned children, abused animals, catastrophic events that require humanity coming together as one, troops that need to know they are remembered, and so much more …. I need to be Making A Difference on the ground, and in the sky .. it is in my blood.  But I also came to understand THE VERY HARD WAY, that this is a time of balance for me.  Where I had to learn I could not take on the world … and I had to teach others how to live their passions too. 

But for now, I guess I have to be content with knowing I am in God’s hands.  That means He knows how much I yearn to be WELL …. and how many toxins really are in my body.  Ironically He knows the people who were also toxic to my well being and removed them.  The key is for me not to allow anyone or anything to creep back into my “space” or infiltrate my soul so that I have to be like “this” one second longer than necessary.    HE knows what will bring me healing, and has a plan.  I just wish right now, in the middle of yet another night when I cannot sleep because of the pain … that He would give me a little insight.  In all of my frustration with feeling things are beyond my control …. I am thankful for that abilty to know things are right, and perfect, and exactly the way they are supposed to be.  And when the time comes … I will be back in the skies and doing the job I love the most.

Until then, I sure could use a prayer if you can spare one.

Thanks so much …

Your Sky Angel

Robin

I'm not usually a big baby person .... but Tyler stole my heart just like Quinn did 13 years ago!

Throughout my life I have the term “not now, I have a headache” and it would get them out of doing whatever it was they didn’t want to do.  Jokingly I had friends tell me they would tell their boyfriends or husbands this, in order to get out of having sex with their loved one.  My response to them was “you are CRAZY … it is the best medicine for a headache”.  Now I am starting to wonder if that is what I am lacking in my life??  lol

After all, I have tried everything else.

This past Saturday I had to go to an Independent Medical Exam set up by Sedgewick (the insurance company who handles disability payments for my employer).  It was one of the more challenging doctors appointments for me, because the first hour was spent listening to the doctor mumble into a tape recorder as he read from documentation he had been provided from Sedgewick regarding my medical history since May.  There were many times I had to correct him because he simply could not read one note or another and just “assumed” what he was saying was accurate.  Don’t people listen to their parents?  “Never Assume anything .. it makes an ass out of you and me”.

Weighing in the balance of what this one doctor ‘thinks’ or determines is whether or not I will be approved for long term disability … and then I will probably have to begin a treatment plan that Sedgewick will most likely set up for me to follow.  The maze of doctors I have gone to since 10May when all of this began is something like a blind man probably feels in a crowded room … overwhelmed, anxious, and incredibly exhausted at the end of the day.

Honestly, I have been on my knees crying to God to “please show me what it is that you want me to learn right now”.  He knows I feel completely broken as a human being at the present moment.  The Spirit that lives inside of me is stronger than ever, but I have been stripped of all things that bring a human being comfort.  When I did not get my disability check in September and Amy & I were moving”me” across country, I was forced to ask people for help.  Knowing I could never pay them back, I simply had to ask people to donate money towards my medical & moving expenses.  That made me uncomfortable and angry with myself.

You see, I am nearly 50 years old (I know, that is a complete shocker to me, too!!! hehehe) and I should not “have to” ask anyone to help take care of me.  If you know anything about me, you know I am a giver.  It is a rare day when I will ask for help, but if I do, that means I really, really, really need it.  Usually when I have asked for help in the past, it was not for my benefit.  It as always for a cause (like supporting the troops or the orphans I support in South Africa, or some humanitarian effort I am aiding in assisting) and I didn’t feel bad about educating people or asking for their help.

But God wanted to teach me the valuable gift of allowing other people to be blessed.  You see, when we don’t open our hearts to allowing other people to “do” for us, we are shutting off their ability to feel that beautiful and amazing feeling inside of being able to make a difference.  A very dear friend of mine calls that “going MAD”.  Since I have always believed we each can make a difference, one person, one life, and one smile at a time … God also found a way for me to do that on a much bigger playing field than what I could ever imagine.

A year or two ago I met someone who changed my life.  His name is Gilbert Martin, and he lives in South Africa.  He has a heart of gold, has a vision to shift this world into being a better place, by uniting us all by our giving.  Time, money, and energy …. in every aspect of humanity.  Gilbert started a foundation called “Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart”.  He asked me to be a trustee on the board, and I was deeply honored.  The foundation provides the umbrella for charities to sign up to obtain donations, get volunteers, and will provide aid on every continent in the world.  It didn’t take long for me to start calling Gilbert “my kindred spirit”.  He truly is a man after my own heart … only thing is he is gay and he has not got a single brother .  lol

During the past five and a half months suffering from the most tremendous pressure on my head that I have a tough time believing anyone else can imagine, I have spent alot of sleepless nights wondering how my voice can be heard through the vibrations of my own heartbeat.  The symptoms I contend with on a minute by minute basis are a high pitched ringing in my ears, the weight of an elephant on the top of my head and the base of my skull, my head feeling like it is in a vice and my eyes are going to pop out of theie sockets, tremendous nausea that makes me throw up … (the list goes on and on sometimes) keep me from living life as I would like.

However, my constant companion has been the internet where I could check my email, connect with family and friends on Facebook & Skype,  and talk with the troops I support on instant messenger … and where I recently spent some time working on a project for Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart.  It gave me something to focus on, other than my own pain.  It reminded me of my purpose here on earth … to make a difference. 

Some people have asked me where I have found strength in being shuffled from doctor to doctor, getting as many different diagnosis as humanly possible, or how I cope with the plethora of medications prescribed.  One thing is for certain, the Wounded Warriors & every single service member in the world inspire me.  It is them that I think of every time I have blood drawn or an IV put in my arm.  You will see photos from time to time, where I am holding Tigger.  He has become my mascot … as my way of showing support to our valiant heroes.  I think of the orphans and people who live in third world countries who do not even know where there next meal is coming from.  They don’t have anything to live by other than the hope of a better tomorrow.  How dare I complain that I am suffering financially from not being able to work, when there are people who do not even have a roof over their heads?  You could say I give myself a “reality check” every single day.

It is in the little things I do every day, that I find strength.  What keeps me going is my faith.  I believe I am exactly where God wants me to be, doing exactly what He wants me to be doing.  He is in control, and when I am meant to be healed …  He will make it so.  If I didn’t believe that, I think I would go insane right now.  He knows my heart, my desires, and my vision to save His creations … and that is why He needed me to STOP, move out of the way, so He could continue to make me into the person He wants me to be for His glory.

When the day comes that I finally meet my knight in shining armor (not some prick in tin foil, as Gilbert says … hahaha), I pretty much can guarantee I will never use the words “not now honey, I have a headache” … because once this elephant is gone off my head, I will be ready to take on the world at large.

Thank you so much to every single person who shows your love, support, and encouragement by being a part of my life.  This year has been a challenge of mammoth (pardon the pun!) proportions … but one thing is for sure … I am becoming more and more that person God intended me to be.  Do you think you could say a prayer that will be a person OUT OF PAIN sooner rather than later, please?

PS.  For more information about Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart, please go to:  http://www.raiseyourhand.org.za/

Thanks!

Always,

Robin

“The Sky Angel”

PO Box 449

Mercer Island, WA 98040

PS.  If you want to send the items to me and have me send them on to LRMC I can do that, or you can send them directly to my friend.  Please let me know.  Thanks again!!!

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 Wounded Warrior
Ministry Center

Pastoral Services
Division – Landstuhl Regional Medical Center

The Wounded Warrior Ministry Center (WWMC) is an entity within LRMC Pastoral Services that cares for the humanitarian needs of wounded and ill Service Members evacuated from the theaters of operation.  The WWMC provides items of comfort to “fill
holes” until the service member’s personal items can catch up with them in the military healthcare system.

The WWMC services more than 750 service members each month.  Since the WWMC is a non-funded humanitarian entity within the Department of Defense, we rely on the generous donations of fellow Americans and others, both substantive and monetary, to provide these items.
We truly appreciate the efforts of each and every person willing to share “hugs from home” and words of encouragement with those who have given so much for the cause of Freedom in our world!

Below is a list of items Service Members typically request and take from the Wounded Warrior Ministry Center.

This list will be updated periodically. 

• Winter Coats
• Phone Cards – United States Domestic Only With No Expiration Date – 120
  Minutes
• Black 30 Inch Duffel Bags (No Logos)
• Men’sShoes – Size 9, 9.5, 10, 10.5, 11, 11.5 & 12
• Bath Towels
• Blankets (In Preparation For Winter Transport)
• Long Sleeve T-Shirts/Shirts L-M-S-XL(In This Order)
• Men’s Boxers L-XL-M-S (In This Order)
• Men’s Slippers (Slip-On Non-Slip) Sizes 8-14
• Men’s T-Shirts L-M-S (Not White Undershirts)
• Sweat Pants L-M-S
• Travel Pillows
• iTunes^® Cards
• iPod Shuffles^®
• Nail Clippers
• Men’s & Women’s Deodorant
• Lip Balm/Chapstick^®
• Travel Size Shaving Cream
• Travel Size Foot Powder (Ex: Gold Bond^®)
• Brushes (Not Combs)
• Men’s Pajama Pants Sizes L-M-S-XXL-XL (In This Order)
• Hand-Held Electronic Games
• Healthy Snack Bars, Chocolate, And Candy
• DVDs (No Extreme Violence Or Nudity – No VHS Tapes)

DO NOT send used items

Monetary donations to the WWMC fund for Warrior Programming, high-demand and seasonal items are acceptable (please make payable to: Landstuhl Regional Medical Center CTOF)

Thank you again for your assistance! Working together, we can make a huge difference in the lives and recuperation of our Heroes! If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

WoundedWarriorMinistryCenter@yahoo.com

Updated 29 October 2011

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Currently I am sitting at a Starbucks waiting for my doctors appointment, reading emails & responding to them.  For the past five minutes I have literally been blessed beyond measure and have such a flow of tears running down my face that all the other customers have left and the staff keeps asking me if I am ok.  But I just read this email and I can’t help but be filled with heart felt emotion … so much so, that I have to share it with you.

~

You see, I write to our troops every single week.  Sometimes it is just a postcard.  Sometimes I wonder if my letters matter.  But then I get something like this, and it just makes me see God smile.  I know He smiles at me daily, but sometimes I have blinders on.  Today I am stripped of all senses and my eyes are wide open.  You may need tissues like I did, before you read further.  Thank you for your support and encouragement, and please remember if you want to adopt your own service member to go to http://adoptahero.us/ .

Dear Robin Schmidt,

I read the following article about your good works supporting our troops while you have been a Delta Flight Attendant.  It was in a newsletter that I receive from one of the local Marine Corps League supporters in the Northern California area where I live.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/flight-attendant-serves-drinks-journals-soldiers/story?id=8872103

As a Veteran serving during the Vietnam War era (1966-1970), I remember the great treatment we service men received from the flight attendants on the planes we flew on going back home to the U.S.  Your article also reminded me of a female (an old girlfriend) friend of guy who became one of my  buddies that I had made while serving at a remote base in the Southern Philippines.  His ex-girlfriend became my pen pal who supported me while I was in the Philippines and Vietnam.  Her perfumed letters and words of encouragement and of everyday life back home helped me through those emotional times being single, 20/21, living in strange new lands where people had different lifestyles, weather climates and a war going on and missing home and my family.

You are an amazing lady.  Thank you for your support of our troops.  I wish you happiness and all the best that life can offer you.  “Thank You” to Delta Airlines for allowing you to do what you do.

Sincerely,

Marty De Venuta

Air Force Vet

Delta Skymiles Customer