Archive for November, 2011

What is “toxicity”?

Friday, November 25th, 2011

I can't wait to feel this good again! ūüôā

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This is a question I have been asking myself for a very long time.¬† The definition in the Dictionary is “having the quality, or condition of being harmful, destructive, or deadly”.¬† Interesting.

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You see, I have been on a “detoxification diet” for the past 22 days.¬† The doctor has me eating only fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.¬† The reason was quite simple, he wanted to grant my wish and get me off of all the medications I was on for throughout the past six months.¬† Quite possibly the most horrific days I have had to face so far, was when I couldn’t get out of bed and all I could do was throw up from the pain.¬† This is what happens when we rid our lives of toxins.

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I don’t take the irony of this comment lightly.¬† In the past year I have had to let go of some extremely toxic people in my life.¬† My definition of people who are toxic to me … is that they keep me from the Light.¬† They take up my time with chaos and drama.¬† They drink or do other extra carricular activities that prohibit them from being accountable for their words or actions.¬† They blame me or someone else (actually anyone else) for any and everything that is wrong in their life.¬† Basically they sucked the energy right out of me, and took away my joy.¬† Kind of like being on a pain medicine that only puts me to sleep, but never takes away the pain.¬† When I wake up, the symptoms are still there.

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Right now, I am fighting with everything I have got to keep my sanity. I cannot believe it has been over six months that I have had THE SAME HEADACHE.¬† I pray constantly for the day I will be without pain.¬† The day I can go back to the job I love so very much.¬† The time when my days do not revolve around whether I have a doctors appointment or not.¬† The moment when I won’t be winded from walking up a flight of stairs.¬† And the night I will be able to sleep without tossing and turning in hopes I will get comfortable enough to actually get some rest.

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The past three weeks, as I said, have been extremely difficult for me.¬† But what has kept me going is the strength of my family and friends.¬† You have been here to listen, give advice, and remind me that although I am not flying right now, my life still has tremendous purpose.¬† My mind was so focused on “Mail Call” and getting the stuff out to the troops, I had perspective.¬†¬† And I thank God for the friend who told me to remember the Wounded Warriors or my orphans in South Africa when I needed a reality check.¬† They keep me grounded in my thoughts every day.¬† Many things upset me these past two¬†weeks.¬† Most importantly was the transition from short to long term disability.¬† I have had to jump through hoops at Social Security to get disability paperwork submitted.¬† (I had to do this in order to get long term disability approved).¬†¬† I’ve faced some personal challenges that upset me tremendously.¬† Sometimes being as loving and kind as I am, means people hurt me deeply.¬† I think they don’t realize to what degree.

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Wednesday¬†I made my way¬†to S. Cal to be with Julie’s kids and my dear friends for Thanksgiving.¬† I ¬†was a bit nervous going¬†to the airport (can you believe I am saying this????).¬† I felt like a duck out of water.¬† The last doctor I went to told me he didn’t know what was wrong with me and he couldn’t help me.¬† What I hear when someone says that to me is “you are a lost cause”.¬† And to me, those words are toxic.¬† My self talk needs to be a little gentler (or a lot!) and kinder.¬† I need to stop beating myself up because I cannot work, and accept it.¬† And I am so thankful for friends and family ¬†who build me up.¬† I never want to know what life would be like without any of them!

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And I need to take this precious time to REST and enjoy exactly where I am … because I was reminded today, that I am exactly where God wants me to be.¬† He will heal me, but it needs to be for His glory.¬† He is using me to show someone a miracle … I can feel it.

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In the meantime, I believe I need to work on getting more toxicity out of my life (mentally and physically).¬† What do you think????¬† But for the record, I still feel blessed beyond measure … because I have friends to lean on, NO MATTER WHAT!!

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My hope is you are able to remove yourself from any chaos or negativity, and find peace with those you allow yourself to spend time with regularly.¬† My prayers are for you to know you are valued, appreciated, and worthy … of peace of heart, mind, and soul.¬† Topped with Good Health.¬† With that, we each will continue to have much to be thankful for, won’t we?¬† … by the way, I really will pay someone to get rid of “Throb” and this constant ringing in my ears … let me know your cost.¬† lol

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Happy thoughts and positive energy to you and yours this holiday season!

Always,

Robin

“The Sky Angel”

PO Box 449

Mercer Island, WA 98040

I want my life back …

Monday, November 7th, 2011

The past month has been a whirlwind with the latest arrival to our family … my great nephew, Tyler ~~~¬†and me trying to find my way around the streets of Seattle again.¬† It is so bizarre having the feeling of “everything is comfortable” to “everything is new” all in the same breath.¬† Before I go any further, I just need to say that “I LOVE LIVING IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST AGAIN”!!!

I found this on the way to picking up a free Christmas tree off of freecycle.org for our troops overseas!!!

Aside from¬†feeling like a complete dork, because I am having to learn how to drive a stick shift car on the hills after living in¬†FLAT places the past¬†19 years, I¬†find¬†I am saying to myself “I am not lost, but I am definitely not where I want to be”.¬† There have been so many times I have texted friends asking for directions from one place¬†to another, and I am so thankful they never seem to get impatient¬†with me.¬† The other day I was on my way to my first accupuncture appointment, and I think it was the first time I¬†realized there is no longer a KingDome here.¬† Instead there are two stadiums side by side.¬† Isn’t that over kill???¬† ūüôā

Aside from the obvious reasons¬†of being closer to my family and¬†friends, I have so many other reasons I am thankful to be back in the Pacific Northwest … one of which includes the medical profession.¬† My frustration level has been through the roof¬†with my health the past six months.¬† It seems crazy to me that I have been out of work for this long, and that I have had NO RELIEF from the pain¬†in and on my head.¬†¬†There has not been a day or night that has gone by in 180 days, where I have not felt like the weight of an elephant is lodged there.¬† Along with that, came a plethora of doctors, and diagnosis.¬† However, to date, I still don’t feel I have a proper diagnosis … and I simply got fed up with the medications being prescribed.

SO, I found a¬†chiropractor who is trying to help me figure out exactly what is wrong.¬† He referred me to an internal medicine doctor, in hopes that doctor could become my new Primary¬†Care Physician (for me, the jury is still out on that).¬† However, this doctor listened to me … and put me on a detoxification diet this past week … AND took me off¬†ALL of my meds.¬† YIPPEE!!!¬†¬† ….¬†honestly, I have been in so much pain and yet I¬†never felt as though the pills were making a tremendous difference.¬† I am happy to say that my¬†fears of becoming addicted to hydrocodone or¬†anything else were all for not.¬† Going off the medications has been easy,¬†coping with the pain has not.¬† It is rare to find a doctor who doesn’t want to pump me full of drugs … and I truly am seeking one who will help me get to the root cause, not treat the symptoms.

at one point, I was on 13 medications a day ... that is just WRONG!!!!

The best part about detoxifying is that I feel like I have control over my own body again.¬† NOTHING is more important to me than me¬†keeping my¬†peace of mind that I am not going to have to live with this pain the rest of my life.¬† NOTHING is more important to me than getting well and getting my life back.¬† You see, I feel there is so much to be done in the world.¬† There are orphaned children, abused animals, catastrophic events that require humanity coming together as one, troops that need to know they are remembered, and so much more …. I need to be Making A Difference on the ground, and in the sky .. it is in my blood.¬† But I also came to understand THE VERY HARD WAY, that this is a time of balance for me.¬† Where I had to learn I could not take on the world … and I had to teach others how to live their passions too.¬† ūüôā

But for now, I guess I have to be content with knowing I am in God’s hands.¬† That means He knows how much I yearn to be WELL …. and how many toxins really are in my body.¬† Ironically He knows the people who were also toxic to my well being and removed them.¬† The key is for me not to allow anyone or anything to creep back into my “space” or infiltrate my soul so that I have to be like “this” one second longer than necessary.¬† ūüėȬ† HE knows what will bring me healing, and has a plan.¬† I just wish right now, in the middle of yet another night when I cannot sleep because of the pain … that He would give me a little insight.¬† In all of my frustration with feeling things are beyond my control …. I am thankful for that abilty to know things are right, and perfect, and exactly the way they are supposed to be.¬† And when the time comes … I will be back in the skies and doing the job I love the most.

Until then, I sure could use a prayer if you can spare one.

Thanks so much …

Your Sky Angel

Robin

I'm not usually a big baby person .... but Tyler stole my heart just like Quinn did 13 years ago! ūüôā

 

Not now, I have a headache …

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

Throughout my life I have¬†the term “not now, I have a headache” and it would get them out of doing whatever it was they didn’t want to do.¬† Jokingly I had friends tell me they would tell their boyfriends or husbands this, in order to get out of having sex with their loved one.¬† My response to them was “you are CRAZY … it is the best medicine for a headache”.¬† Now I am starting to wonder if that is what I am lacking in my life??¬† lol

After all, I have tried everything else.

This past Saturday I had to go to an Independent Medical Exam set up by Sedgewick (the insurance company who handles disability payments for my employer).¬† It was one of the more challenging doctors appointments for me, because the first hour was spent listening to the doctor mumble into a tape recorder as he read from¬†documentation he had been provided from Sedgewick¬†regarding my medical history since May.¬† There were many times I had to correct him because he simply could not read one note or another and just “assumed” what he was saying was accurate.¬† Don’t people listen to their parents?¬† “Never Assume anything .. it makes an ass out of you and me”.

Weighing in the balance of what this one doctor ‘thinks’ or determines is whether or not I will be approved for long term disability … and then I will probably have to begin a treatment plan that Sedgewick will most likely set up for me to follow.¬† The maze of doctors I have gone to since 10May when all of this began is something like a blind man probably feels in a crowded room … overwhelmed, anxious, and incredibly exhausted at the end of the day.

Honestly, I have been on my knees crying to God to “please show me what it is that you want me to learn right now”.¬† He knows I feel completely broken as a human being at the present moment.¬† The Spirit that lives inside of me is stronger than ever, but I have been stripped of all things that bring a human being comfort.¬† When I did not get my disability check in September and Amy & I were moving”me” across country, I was forced to ask people for help.¬† Knowing I could never pay them back, I simply had to ask people to donate money towards my medical & moving expenses.¬† That made me uncomfortable and angry with myself.

You see, I am nearly 50 years old (I know, that is a complete shocker to me, too!!! hehehe) and I should not “have to” ask anyone to help take care of me.¬† If you know anything about me, you know I am a giver.¬† It is a rare day when I will ask for help, but if I do, that means I really, really, really need it.¬† Usually when I have asked for help in the past, it was not for my benefit.¬† It as always for a cause (like supporting the troops or the orphans I support in South Africa, or some humanitarian effort I am aiding in assisting) and I didn’t feel bad about educating people or asking for their help.

But God wanted to teach me the valuable gift of allowing other people to be blessed.¬† You see, when we don’t open our hearts to allowing other people to “do” for us, we are shutting off their ability to feel that beautiful and amazing feeling inside of being able to make a difference.¬† A very dear friend of mine calls that “going MAD”.¬† Since I have always believed we each can make a difference, one person, one life, and one smile at a time … God also found a way for me to do that on a much bigger playing field than what I could ever imagine.

A year or two ago I met someone who changed my life.¬† His name is Gilbert Martin, and he lives in South Africa.¬† He has a heart of gold, has a vision to shift this world into being a better place, by uniting us all by our giving.¬† Time, money, and energy …. in every aspect of humanity.¬† Gilbert started a foundation called “Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart”.¬† He asked me to be a trustee on the board, and I was deeply honored.¬† The foundation provides the umbrella for charities to sign up to obtain donations, get volunteers, and will provide aid on every continent in the world.¬† It didn’t take long for me to start calling Gilbert “my kindred spirit”.¬† He truly is a man after my own heart … only thing is he is gay and he has not got a single brother .¬† lol

During the past five and a half months suffering from the most tremendous pressure on my head that I have a tough time believing anyone else can imagine, I have spent alot of sleepless nights wondering how my voice can be heard through the vibrations of my own heartbeat.¬† The symptoms I contend with on a minute by minute basis are a high pitched ringing in my ears, the weight of an elephant on the top of my head and the base of my skull, my head feeling like it is in a vice and my eyes are going to pop out of theie sockets, tremendous nausea that makes me throw up … (the list goes on and on sometimes) keep me from living life as I would like.

However, my constant companion has been the internet where I could check my email, connect with family and friends on Facebook & Skype, ¬†and talk with the troops I support on instant messenger … and where I recently spent some time working on a project for Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart.¬† It gave me something to focus on, other than my own pain.¬† It reminded me of my purpose here on earth … to make a difference.¬† ūüôā

Some people have asked me where I have found strength in¬†being shuffled from doctor to doctor, getting as many different diagnosis as humanly possible, or how I cope with the plethora of medications prescribed.¬† One thing is for certain, the Wounded Warriors & every single service member in the world inspire me.¬† It is them that I think of every time I have blood drawn or an IV put in my arm.¬† You will see photos from time to time, where I am holding Tigger.¬†¬†He has become my mascot … as my way of showing support to our valiant heroes.¬† I think of the orphans and people who live in third world countries who do not even know where there next meal is coming from.¬† They don’t have anything to live by other than the hope of a better tomorrow.¬† How dare I complain that I am suffering financially from not being able to work, when there are people who do not even have a roof over their heads?¬† You could say I give myself a “reality check” every single day.

It is in the little things I do every day, that I find strength.¬† What keeps me going is my faith.¬† I believe I am exactly where God wants me to be, doing exactly what He wants me to be doing.¬† He is in control, and when I am meant to be healed …¬† He will make it so.¬† If I didn’t believe that, I think I would go insane right now.¬† He knows my heart, my desires, and my vision to save His creations … and that is why He needed me to STOP, move out of the way, so He could continue to make me into the person He wants me to be for His glory.

When the day comes that I finally meet my knight in shining armor (not some prick in tin foil, as Gilbert says … hahaha), I pretty much can guarantee I will never use the words “not now honey, I have a headache” … because once this elephant is gone off my head, I will be ready to take on the world at large.

Thank you so much to every single person who shows your love, support, and encouragement by being a part of my life.¬† This year has been a challenge of mammoth (pardon the pun!) proportions … but one thing is for sure … I am becoming more and more that person God intended me to be.¬† Do you think you could say a prayer that will be a person OUT OF PAIN sooner rather than later, please?

PS.  For more information about Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart, please go to:  http://www.raiseyourhand.org.za/

Thanks!

Always,

Robin

“The Sky Angel”

PO Box 449

Mercer Island, WA 98040