Posts Tagged ‘IAmEnough’

“Come As You Are”

Tuesday, August 15th, 2017

    Come As You Are / Only Love Today


This week I took control of my own life again. I chose to make decisions that are for my well being. The past couple of months have been a bit challenging for me; and I have done everything possible to stay positive and grateful. Most people see the smile and think everything is okay, (because I do very well at not asking for help unless I absolutely need it) and I am actually very thankful for what each day has to offer.

After all, I am alive and that is a precious gift. I celebrate life for myself and the man I called “my brother from another mother”, Erland Hawkins. For all eternity I will thank him for making me make that promise. 😉

Many of you may or may not know that I had an upper respiratory infection at the beginning of July and was very sick. So much so that I lost consciousness while working a flight home from Anchorage; caused an emergency landing, and I was in the ER for 11 hours. I wish I could tell you I was 100% – but I still have this deep cough that I can’t seem to shake. So I am using the steroid inhaler and drinking lots of water, Quinary, and hot water or soothing tea to try to break the cycle. With the wildfires in Canada, the smoke was very thick in the Seattle area and it also affected me. I didn’t realize until today, the depth of how it affected me psychologically.  (More on that later).

On 18 July 2017 I accidentally tripped over a passenger who had their legs and feet extended into my path and fell. My right foot has not been the same since. That took away my ability to do yoga, walk for any length of time, or hike. The latter was such a huge disappointment for me on my layovers in Juneau, because I wanted desperately to be hiking in Alaska before my flying for the “season” up there ended. It just wasn’t possible.

To add to those two issues; I also found that I was unable to chew on the right side of my mouth. It has taken me a month to get in for oral surgery. I am having a tooth extracted along with the entire root, and a bone graft done in my mouth. This happens on Thursday.

I share all of this with you; solely for informational purposes. I don’t want your pity, attention because I have not been my best, or special concessions.

Today I was able to get into my counselor because I honestly feel like no one can possibly understand what I am dealing with. The topic of conversation had to do with the changes that happen for individuals who go off anti depressant medications. This is me #KeepingItReal. Everything I am experiencing is “normal”. But it doesn’t help to have a “normal” label placed on it for me.

In talking with my Christian counselor, I asked her if God ever gets tired of hearing from me (as tears streamed down my face), because I don’t want to be a burden to Him (or anyone). We talked about how deep God’s love is and how hard that is to fathom because human beings often don’t know how to love that deeply or without conditions.

Something she asked me to do was look inside the “toolbox” I have been filling for several years; to find my ways to fight the lies that have been reinforced by the way people have wounded and hurt me in the past.

One of the things I chose to do was remember there is a difference between connection and connectivity. To always have a list of three people I can contact NO MATTER WHAT.

Circumstances this past year helped me to see some people that had been in my life for long periods of time; were not healthy for me any longer. Removing them from my life was necessary and yet left me with a huge void. Today my counselor said “you are in the midst of the grieving process”. I asked “how I could possibly be grieving individuals that are not a part of my life any longer – because they were toxic to my well being”?

She explained that we all have relationships that leave us with memories. We fight to remember the good – even though there may be “bad” mixed in.  My human nature is to remember the close bonds that are shared – even if someone left me with feelings of abandonment or betrayal. To forgive – even when I don’t know how.

Since I have had such significant losses in my life; it has been hard for me to let people go over the years. But I am a work in progress and I have learned to let go easier. Mostly for self preservation.

Life changes all of us, if we let it. I chose to work with my doctors to go off my anti depressant medication. The weaning off period seemed easy. Being off them fully now (for a month) has me with those feelings of “not wanting to be a burden to anyone”.

One of the other tools in my toolbox is to write how I feel. It is the best way I know to express myself. Which is why I am writing this blog today.

As much as there is darkness in the world, I am still choosing to be my own light source. I called three of my people today. Just to hear their stories and voices. Not to share about what I am processing. Tomorrow I will call three more. Because I am blessed to have those kinds of people in my life and I never want them to think I take them for granted.

What is going on? I don’t like who I am when I look in the mirror. Many things compounded on one another and they caused me to gain weight. I don’t like it. I do not want to accept it. I want to change it. But losing weight doesn’t happen overnight.  It doesn’t matter how great anyone tells me I look. My clothes are tight. I think I look like a tank in photos. It is frustrating because I was so happy with myself, not that long ago.

But life happens. And I am human.

You may or may not know that I had an eating disorder when I was in my 20’s. Today we talked about how I felt so obsessed with wanting to eat healthy that I wasted time thinking about it. Precious time that I could have been doing anything else. And what I did to break that cycle. I cannot fall back into any of those types of behaviors from my past and I am fully aware of them. So I am choosing to break the cycle. One day at a time; by breaking my day into ten minute increments at times. Because sometimes that is all I can handle.

    True Friendships reside deep in the heart

Last week I flew to Atlanta to spend quality time with my dear friend from South Africa, who was visiting the USA. We only had a day together, but my time with her rejuvenated my soul. I literally took notes of her words of wisdom.

What I didn’t know in talking with my friend and didn’t realize until today; was the significance of the cough or why the smoke bothered me so much. I didn’t realize that the anniversary of September 11th was even on my radar. This year it will be different. Because one of the people that I shared that day and it’s memories with; is one of the people that is no longer a part of my life. And there is a void. It is going to be okay. But I have to acknowledge it. I have to work through that, now that I can see it for what it is.

I have changed tremendously over the years. I always thought when I had certain people in my life – they would always be a part of my life. But that all changed when Michael died, and then my parents, and any of my other Heavenly Angels. I was forced to learn to let go and Let God with coping with death. In the past few years I have also learned to “Let Go and Let God” because it was best for all parties involved. Today I was told “no matter the reasons for the losses, they are still losses. There is still a void”.

Funny how the mind works. I have mentored and coached people who have suffered tragedies. And now I am honoring myself by acknowledging how it feels to let go. Yesterday I filled an entire box full of documents that I could have used to take people & companies to court who have wronged me deeply. The financial, emotional, and psychological damage was tremendous. But I chose (once I found the paperwork yesterday) to burn those papers. I will be taking them with me on a road trip and having a nice campfire. One of release and it will be so liberating.

There is no part of me that can control the way other people will act or react. All I can do is be authentic, honest, and live MY LIFE with integrity. I was asked today to list a few things that I do love about myself. Once I did, I was told “this are core values and characteristics”. Those things will not change for me. And when I look in the mirror, I have to look at my soul and not the reflection of my physical body that I am struggling with so much right now.

What I am not struggling with is #Throb. I have been free from the weight of the elephant on my head since 2April 2017. (After six years of daily migraines and migraine symptoms – I am free!!) PRAISE THE LORD!! I still have to do weekly treatments to keep him away.  I fight for my health every single day. I get my strength from faith, our Wounded Warriors who are examples of courage, tenacity, and dignity; and the people who are part of my journey.

If you are reading this – thank you for being one of them. I hope my words from the heart somehow inspire you and help you to know you are never as alone as you feel. I feel so alone sometimes – but somehow, someway, the Universe gives love back to me; right when I need it the most. I call that faith – you call or what works for you.

Huge shout out to @Hands Free Mama for her blog and books, as they truly have helped me to become a better me. Her latest book “Only Love Today” is one I feel every person on the planet can relate to! (The bracelets I am wearing in the top photo of this blog post are from her website).



“The Sky Angel”

Robin Schmidt

PO Box 1494

Mercer Island, WA 98040


My commitments to 2017

Wednesday, February 15th, 2017

Hello faithful friends and followers!

It has been quite some time since writing a blog post, but here I am.  🙂

Floral Deliveries for Valentines Day


In 2016 I had some pretty significant health challenges (eColi that lasted three months, biking accident in Amsterdam messing up my left wrist, a few broken toes from walking into things, hand surgery to remove a cyst, a major car accident in October where I came within inches of dying, and of course still dealing with #Throb.  That proverbial elephant that has sat on my head for nearly six years now.);  which in turn caused me to make some changes in my life.

Truly, life was chaos when I look back on it now.  To make a really long story short, I currentlty have a perfect living situation for me.  I am renting a bedroom/bathroom from a business man who is gone 90% of the time.  The only time I really go upstairs is to cook or clean.  Most of my belongings are in storage, where they will stay until I am able to purchase my own place.  That is a ways down the road though, because with all I shared above; my finances needed some attention.

Thankfully I was able to maneuver through short term disability with the eColi and physical restraints from the bicycling accident in Amsterdam, and didn’t have surgery on my hand until I went on vacation in September.  All of that being said, I am soooooo thankful to be doing the job I was destined to do and loving being a flight attendant for Delta.  It is so weird to say I have been flying for 18 years, it just doesn’t seem THAT long.  Time flies when you are having fun!  (it really does!!  🙂 )

For those of you who don’t know, every year for Valentine’s Day and Mothers Day, I work for a local florist delivering flowers.  This is something I have done most of my adult life, and is also a whole lot of fun for me.  Every year it seems like I have a goal set for myself for a specific dollar amount to earn, to go towards a very specific cause.  This year is no different ~ but I will get back to that in just a few minutes.  🙂

Because last year was so incredibly taxing on me mentally, physically, and financially; the two things I had to cling to were the loving support of my family and friends, and most of all, my faith.  I came in to 2017 with determination to love myself more and to have an attitude of gratitude. They are my mantras for this year, and are helping me to stay focused.  That all being said, I am moving forward with the commitments I made to myself on my birthday.

My commitment to 2017

Keep track of miles flown for one month



Go to Peru and see Machu Picchu

Do a Volunteer Vacation

BELIEVE in the impossible

PEACE of mind

Stand firm in my FAITH and knowing TRUTH

Read scripture more often

Positive self talk

Eat healthy and be conscious of what I am consuming and why

Get in daily activity (yoga, walking, hiking, swimming, etc)

Read “Joan of Arc”

Connect with friends more frequently (especially in the Seattle area when I am home)

Make new friends

Dating is a must! Meet my soul mate.  Kiss in the rain.

Get outdoors and take photographs

Chop wood

Journal more

Go kayaking in the arboretum

Go to Glacier National Park

Clean condo once a month

Clean my bedroom once a week (including filing paperwork)

Have fun at work – do work trips with people I know and love and go to places where I have people I love

Send care packages to Rachael when she deploys & to other troops as time and donations permit


Just reading through those notes on my phone and typing them out to you, makes me realize I made a whole lot of goals for myself for the year.  But I am one month into the list and have already accomplished the first one.  haha   As many of you may or may not know, when I first became a flight attendant in 1998, I made a goal to see the Seven Wonders of the World.  Then I found out there were 7 natural and 7 man made.  So instead of it being a one year goal, it ended up being a ten year goal.  What I learned in traveling to those places, was that some of them didn’t seem “all that worthy of being a wonder”.  The journey to each of them is what I learned the most from, because of the experiences along the way.  I started making my own list of places I wanted to see or explore.  Machu Picchu has been high on that list for quite some time.

It thrills me to know that one week from today I will be meeting up with a dear friend of mine, and we will be making our way to Peru on 23February.  During that time I will be going “radio silent” and focusing completely on where we are, what we are doing, and being “present”.  It is not very often that I shut myself completely off from the outside world (because our troops need support or I have outside obligations) …. but this time, this vacation is all about me rejuvenating my own soul.  Nikki and I have been planning this trip for months now, and I am incredibly thankful I was able to work extra work trips in December and January to pay for the trip (Peru is so inexpensive! Nothing like Iceland!  lol).  When I come back state side, I will be going to Southern California to meet the newest member of the Butler family and spend a few days bonding with family.  From there, I have to travel back to Atlanta for a mandatory meeting.  What meeting you ask?  Well you see …

For all of the miracles in the world to occur; I was given an incredible and I do mean INCREDIBLE birthday gift.  Out of over 350 applicants, I WAS CHOSEN to be one of the participants in the Delta Force for Global Good Build with Habitat for Humanity near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, in a village called Chulavista.  The mandatory meeting on 8March is for all of us (46 active employees, 2 retirees, 16 AeroMexico employees) to meet and get direction about our trip.  Each of us have to pay $1,000 for our expenses for the trip.  Thank you SO very much to each of you who donated towards this project.  You have no idea how much $5.00 means to me, and how grateful my heart was with beep of my phone telling me I received a PayPal donation.  Thank you to my sister and other family and friends who gave me cash towards the trip.  Which brings me back to working for the florist. My goal was and is to make the remaining balance.   It is with a huge smile that I know I will surpass that goal because of your kindnesses towards me, believing in me, and my own determination to bring my goals to fruition.

It is absolutely crazy to me that I have a week of vacation in February, March, and April of 2017.  We bid for our vacation weeks so far in advance; but I am SO thankful to know I will at least be receiving income during the time that I am away.  All for great causes and reasons.  The reason I am so detailed in explaining my finances is two fold.  One is that I am under constant scrutiny any time I ask for donations.  I am one person who has chosen not to become a non-profit over the years.  I do so much for humanity in my own time; by sending care packages to the troops, volunteering, or helping others.  But the instant I ask for help, it seems some feel they have the right to judge my life choices.

If you ever want to see receipts for how monies are spent that are donated, I can provide them.  If you ever want to see the medical expenses I have on a monthly basis; that I pay out-of-pocket, I will happily provide them (I have not asked anyone for help with my medical bills since moving the Seattle in 2011).  I have absolutely nothing to hide.  Yesterday all Delta employees received a bonus through our hard work, in a Profit Sharing check.  Someone actually asked me why I was asking for donations for the Habitat Build when I knew I had the profit sharing money coming in.  Which is the second reason I am being so detailed.  Every time I get paid, I put money into my donation account to support our troops.  Most people don’t realize that I do things for service members throughout the year – they think I only do it for “Mail Call”.  My profit sharing check is actually paying off the debt I incurred from moving three times and outstanding medical bills. People always tell me “I live vicariously through you” and have asked how they could be a blessing by donating.  I learned to allow them to feel the joy in giving.  We should all have giving hearts; whether it be our time, resources, energy, prayers, or sending positive thoughts someones way.

Monies I received for the volunteer vacation, went directly to my personal bank account, so I could then pay the money for the specific project.  My goals are set.  My plans are in motion … and each day I am blessed because I am letting go more and more of what other people think of me, and focusing more on what God thinks of me.  I am an example and role model to many.  More than anything, I have ethics and morals and am evolving.  My desires are changing ever so slightly.  All I ever used to focus on was care for our troops.  Now I find myself wanting to go and “do” and continuing to be a part of something so much bigger than myself.  Call it “diversifying”.  Which is why I am doing the Habitat Build.  It isn’t just to go to a place I have never been, it is to fill my own cup by helping others.

That is what makes me tick.  Making a positive impact on others.

My hope is you have enjoyed this rather lengthy blog post and you now all feel informed as to what I am up to; and how grateful I am for your support and encouragement (especially last year).  I can never thank you enough for believing in me. Truly, I thank Erland so very much for making me make the promise “celebrate life for both of us, every single day, regardless of circumstances” ~ because there were days last year that those words were what kept me going.  From Heaven to earth, I am blessed with angels all around me. Now, time to run … more floral deliveries to make today, so I can reach my goal.  🙂



This photo is from several years ago, but I am posting it in honor of my dear friend, Donna Willock. She gave me this scarf on Valentine’s Day, which was the last work trip she ever had. She died of brain cancer that year. I wear it as a scarf or bandana often, and have it on today. She is another of my Heavenly angels.

PS.  For those of you who do not have my current mailing address, it is:

Robin Schmidt

PO Box 1494

Mercer Island, WA 98040