Throughout my life I have the term “not now, I have a headache” and it would get them out of doing whatever it was they didn’t want to do. Jokingly I had friends tell me they would tell their boyfriends or husbands this, in order to get out of having sex with their loved one. My response to them was “you are CRAZY … it is the best medicine for a headache”. Now I am starting to wonder if that is what I am lacking in my life?? lol
After all, I have tried everything else.
This past Saturday I had to go to an Independent Medical Exam set up by Sedgewick (the insurance company who handles disability payments for my employer). It was one of the more challenging doctors appointments for me, because the first hour was spent listening to the doctor mumble into a tape recorder as he read from documentation he had been provided from Sedgewick regarding my medical history since May. There were many times I had to correct him because he simply could not read one note or another and just “assumed” what he was saying was accurate. Don’t people listen to their parents? “Never Assume anything .. it makes an ass out of you and me”.
Weighing in the balance of what this one doctor ‘thinks’ or determines is whether or not I will be approved for long term disability … and then I will probably have to begin a treatment plan that Sedgewick will most likely set up for me to follow. The maze of doctors I have gone to since 10May when all of this began is something like a blind man probably feels in a crowded room … overwhelmed, anxious, and incredibly exhausted at the end of the day.
Honestly, I have been on my knees crying to God to “please show me what it is that you want me to learn right now”. He knows I feel completely broken as a human being at the present moment. The Spirit that lives inside of me is stronger than ever, but I have been stripped of all things that bring a human being comfort. When I did not get my disability check in September and Amy & I were moving”me” across country, I was forced to ask people for help. Knowing I could never pay them back, I simply had to ask people to donate money towards my medical & moving expenses. That made me uncomfortable and angry with myself.
You see, I am nearly 50 years old (I know, that is a complete shocker to me, too!!! hehehe) and I should not “have to” ask anyone to help take care of me. If you know anything about me, you know I am a giver. It is a rare day when I will ask for help, but if I do, that means I really, really, really need it. Usually when I have asked for help in the past, it was not for my benefit. It as always for a cause (like supporting the troops or the orphans I support in South Africa, or some humanitarian effort I am aiding in assisting) and I didn’t feel bad about educating people or asking for their help.
But God wanted to teach me the valuable gift of allowing other people to be blessed. You see, when we don’t open our hearts to allowing other people to “do” for us, we are shutting off their ability to feel that beautiful and amazing feeling inside of being able to make a difference. A very dear friend of mine calls that “going MAD”. Since I have always believed we each can make a difference, one person, one life, and one smile at a time … God also found a way for me to do that on a much bigger playing field than what I could ever imagine.
A year or two ago I met someone who changed my life. His name is Gilbert Martin, and he lives in South Africa. He has a heart of gold, has a vision to shift this world into being a better place, by uniting us all by our giving. Time, money, and energy …. in every aspect of humanity. Gilbert started a foundation called “Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart”. He asked me to be a trustee on the board, and I was deeply honored. The foundation provides the umbrella for charities to sign up to obtain donations, get volunteers, and will provide aid on every continent in the world. It didn’t take long for me to start calling Gilbert “my kindred spirit”. He truly is a man after my own heart … only thing is he is gay and he has not got a single brother . lol
During the past five and a half months suffering from the most tremendous pressure on my head that I have a tough time believing anyone else can imagine, I have spent alot of sleepless nights wondering how my voice can be heard through the vibrations of my own heartbeat. The symptoms I contend with on a minute by minute basis are a high pitched ringing in my ears, the weight of an elephant on the top of my head and the base of my skull, my head feeling like it is in a vice and my eyes are going to pop out of theie sockets, tremendous nausea that makes me throw up … (the list goes on and on sometimes) keep me from living life as I would like.
However, my constant companion has been the internet where I could check my email, connect with family and friends on Facebook & Skype, and talk with the troops I support on instant messenger … and where I recently spent some time working on a project for Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart. It gave me something to focus on, other than my own pain. It reminded me of my purpose here on earth … to make a difference.
Some people have asked me where I have found strength in being shuffled from doctor to doctor, getting as many different diagnosis as humanly possible, or how I cope with the plethora of medications prescribed. One thing is for certain, the Wounded Warriors & every single service member in the world inspire me. It is them that I think of every time I have blood drawn or an IV put in my arm. You will see photos from time to time, where I am holding Tigger. He has become my mascot … as my way of showing support to our valiant heroes. I think of the orphans and people who live in third world countries who do not even know where there next meal is coming from. They don’t have anything to live by other than the hope of a better tomorrow. How dare I complain that I am suffering financially from not being able to work, when there are people who do not even have a roof over their heads? You could say I give myself a “reality check” every single day.
It is in the little things I do every day, that I find strength. What keeps me going is my faith. I believe I am exactly where God wants me to be, doing exactly what He wants me to be doing. He is in control, and when I am meant to be healed … He will make it so. If I didn’t believe that, I think I would go insane right now. He knows my heart, my desires, and my vision to save His creations … and that is why He needed me to STOP, move out of the way, so He could continue to make me into the person He wants me to be for His glory.
When the day comes that I finally meet my knight in shining armor (not some prick in tin foil, as Gilbert says … hahaha), I pretty much can guarantee I will never use the words “not now honey, I have a headache” … because once this elephant is gone off my head, I will be ready to take on the world at large.
Thank you so much to every single person who shows your love, support, and encouragement by being a part of my life. This year has been a challenge of mammoth (pardon the pun!) proportions … but one thing is for sure … I am becoming more and more that person God intended me to be. Do you think you could say a prayer that will be a person OUT OF PAIN sooner rather than later, please?
PS. For more information about Raise Your Hand and Open Your Heart, please go to: http://www.raiseyourhand.org.za/
“The Sky Angel”
PO Box 449
Mercer Island, WA 98040